What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 15:55
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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He resisted the act ,that day.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He knew the spot.
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She found it foreign!.
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But ive been too sick for many years..
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
This is soul school!.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She wouldn,t have been !
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But it wasn’t much.
Who then, do I blame.?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I couldn’t, believe it.
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Why does my girlfriend keep asking me if I love her?
Ive learnt so much.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Comes on , in middle age.
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I waited trembling.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was very sick at this time too.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
All the time i was locked up.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Was to survive, this bastard.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I write beautiful poetry .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
When she asked me how she looked .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Would this be the day?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But, we were locked up after school.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We were not on the streets..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I said to her
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I have no regrets .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My family never makes their pension either.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I don,t even have a pension.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She married twice! .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Why did i forgive my father ?
She loved him until the end.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I think the readers, may guess!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And i lived it daily.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
It was going to be , some day.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She was in good health!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was seconnd youngest,
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Put me off passion for life!!
I will be 64.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im still living with it.
So whats the point in blame.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My life is so biszare .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
One cannot live in the past .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was 9 years of age.
What did i know ?
I was scared of men, in general
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
So, i spoilt her more .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We all went to grammer schools
(And it was in our own minds.)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.